Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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Me:
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Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.