Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

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The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard


explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone


A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people


*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*


The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.


*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.


“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”



everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.


My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.