@BeffernieBlack

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

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@mstluvstrinkets

The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard

@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

@iamblackmamba76

A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people

@awordforaword

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

@WheelTod

The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval.

@angibangie

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.