DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
HERE’S MARKY
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
i smell a pulitzer
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh