Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one