Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Man these end times are taking forever
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”