Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey