Found my door mat
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Managing expectations
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
just having fun
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.