Found my door mat
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
just having fun
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER