Found my door mat
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.