Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Inside you there are two wolves

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.