Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.