Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
yes… yes…
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
feetloaf
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
This did not end as expected.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play