found my next D&D character name
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time