Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.