Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.