Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?