Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

I think this should do it.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.