found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
You Might Also Like
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.