Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Thursday Thought.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.