Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁