@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

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@Darlainky

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@FeelingMervis

Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

@QuietPsycho

Absinthe

For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@RefractReality

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-