Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.