Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.