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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
