Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all