Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Somebody’s lying.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Europe. Made in Germany.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening