Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner