Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
CRYING
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
