Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops