Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
A male goth is called a broth.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Happens to everyone.
💻🤡
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way