Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.