Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?