He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
October already? What’s next? November????
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
PARKOUR
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.