Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.