Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?