Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Wait a second…

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean