Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”