Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
They’re called werewolves.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec