Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have