Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others