Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.