Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
all that yoga finally paid off
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.