Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
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Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
serving silly goose instead of turkey
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The Backseat Boys
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Whoa… oh I see lol
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this