Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.