friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.