Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Every time my phone rings

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city