Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
DOOO EEEET
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…