Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*weighs self after shaving
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My work here is done
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s the weekend y’all
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane