Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
