Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
