Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
