Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*