Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
😩😩😩
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty