Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
somebody come look at this
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.