Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.