Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I’m literally crying

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

“FOUND ‘EM!”