Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You Might Also Like
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Drive like no one is watching.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Not recommended for beginners.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
what the
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I love texting my boyfriend
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.