Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.