Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.