Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
boys are so easy to impress
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.