Found the job I’m suited for
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
japanese corn
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out