Found the job I’m suited for
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”