Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Golf would be better with landmines.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
🤣😈🤣
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
