Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
(Jupiter –
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My guardian angel deserves a raise
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
