Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
