Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare