Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.