Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
*skinny dips into black hole
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.