Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

I can also cook 😂

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.