found this cool rock hiking today
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.