found this cool rock hiking today
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.