found this cool rock hiking today
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*skinny dips into black hole
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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