Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
this is the best day of my life
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Xylophonist Shredding It
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.