Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Well, my evening plans are ruined
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?