Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

can i punch you in the face but like romantically?

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

what’s in a name?

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

water it, i dare you

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.