Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”