found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me :
All Day At Night
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.