”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
🥴😂
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
👾👾👾
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.