”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”