Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

United Steaks of America

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar