”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The old gods are rising again.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can